The Nuclear Family Today
In the need for a change of morality, with youth disavowing
and what they stand for, the family is being torn asunder. Those values that a family unit contributes to its members are not now available to them
as a result of
this. At this moment in history the family, as the smallest social unit in industrialized nations, is offering little to its members. We are in the midst of a cultural and moral revolution
because it is obvious to the
young that our society and its mainstay, the family, have failed to keep pace with the needs and the knowledge of our time.
Yet the family persists and we are forced to
the conclusion that the fastest form of revolutionary change is that which occurs when the young of the family can see that the old is inadequate and must be replaced by something better.
All revolutionary change occurs ultimately at this level or there is no real change.
The family units in Russia,
China, Cuba, underwent radical alteration between the generations and even in the reactionary countries of the West, the revolutionary change
between the generations is making its impact in recent years. Such a revolutionary
movement, however, needs guidance and
structure and because this is lacking in the Western world, the potential for revolutionary change as witnessed by the rebellion of youth against the values of their parents will probably lead nowhere. We are only
reassured that it is indeed the necessity that each revolution find the means, once power has been transferred, to
bring about the aims and changes of the revolutionary movement to the families and the family members.
In all modern societies, but especially in China
and Russia, there has been an effort to utilize mass educational methods to supplement the impact and influence of the family
units. Communes, nursery schools for babies and infants all permit the state, as parent, to introduce new values, concepts and life styles to children. It has been
well demonstrated that the state can imbue children with ideas and values which
it desires to promote.
Yet, each state has recognized, however
reluctantly, that the family unit persists and indeed is the most significant
influence for well adjusted development that we have so far been able to
discover. There is then, wittingly, or unwittingly,
a turn by the state to strengthen the family units and to supplement family
functions rather than replace them.
A country secured in revolution can only remain in a state of revolutionary change, of growth and dynamic response to need and circumstances,
if the family itself is revolutionized: That is, if the family itself can develop communication between the generations geared to respond to the needs of the total society, as well as the local community,
in the light of the conditions as they exist and the needs and knowledge of our time.
The slowdown in consolidation in revolutionary movements that
has occurred in Russia and some
of her smaller neighbours, has occurred precisely because they were unable to replace
the family by other institutional forms and they failed to see the significance of revolutionizing the family, enriching the knowledge and awareness
of its members and developing ways of increasing their communication and intimacy
with one another. However, recently, two Russian
psychologists have suggested mental health services, decentralized throughout the country, available to normal families
needing information that: 1. Would prevent emotional problems and,
of course, 2. Enrich the normal life style.
Man needs the small, intimate, social unit that the family provides
his full potential. We must incorporate this into a broad socialistic planning of our state, of our production, of our education, of our life style. Efforts to replace the family
with other social forms—however interesting they may be socially and academically, and however enthusiastically one can argue their
merits—must and will fail because
they do not serve man as he needs to be served, nor as well as the family, raw, unassisted, trapped in its archaic traditions, can do.
Modernize that family, make available to it the knowledge of
help it to learn ways to communicate and be constructively intimate and you will see the whole of society enhanced and any revolutionary movement that consolidates the revolution in this way cannot and will not be overcome by outside forces or internal
weakness. When new ideas and new ways are absorbed into the family unit, revolution
is secured and its gains can be consolidated. In fact, the state of the family in any society will greatly affect the
condition of the larger society or the
state. The disintegration of the American community—especially in the larger urban areas—is a direct result of the inability of the unserved, isolated nuclear family to produce socially integrated
who are capable of creating and sustaining a highly civilized, socially integrated society.
should not be fooled by all the strange, meaningless, negative, non-progressive activities they see being performed by professionals and non-professionals in
the field of family work. These are indicative of the need that the family has to update itself, to be revolutionized,
and modernized. I can only mention here briefly that while most of these programmes and efforts are false, they are working with the basic ingredients that must be worked with and they are playing around with elements of the basic forms that
will eventually emerge.
There is need for the family to be served in a different model
by society. The knowledge of human growth and development is real, but it is not available to 99 per cent of the families and it is only available to the other 1
per cent of the
families in its orientation to pathology. The professional and technical resource bank connected to the therapeutic families that we have created at Browndale is a model that could apply
to the whole
Of course, this would require that governments and industry and politicians recognize
that the major thrust of their energy, their resources and their attention must be on the social sciences and the training of social science workers, not on the physical sciences, as it has
been too long. They do not even need equal weighting. They must both be
attended to with the greater emphasis on the social sciences. The expenditure of the equivalent
of the cost
of one battleship, or one supersonic
bomber, or one nuclear bomb spent to develop and
provide resources to a random selection of families in a number of communities—urban and rural —would demonstrate in miraculous fashion, the need and benefit
of making available up-to-date knowledge about human behaviour, normal growth and development and the emotional nature of man and his
needs, to all family members: a sort of resource to which parent and child alike could refer their problems and needs for immediate advice and help.
We have learned since the time of
Marx that mind is matter that not only thinks but mind is also matter that feels.
But revolutions to date have not incorporated that essential truth into their programmes for people—although, in their hearts, they have known it and have generally been true to it.
In the field of mental health in the western
world, society has created a large
group of deviant children who have been troublesome to manage and a threat to the established order of services. Because these children were a great burden on society and because they were unresponsive to traditional services, there was room and "permission for radical alternatives". One such radical alternative was the therapeutic family home developed at Warren-dale and
Browndale in the town of Newmarket, Ontario,
by myself and my associates.
Therapeutic family homes are small community-based residential
homes of approximately five children each, with non-resident staff functioning
as therapeutic parents. The therapeutic family home is designed to provide
care to the disturbed child as a human child. This takes priority over reacting to the child as a problem child. This programme is designed to normalize the life style of the disturbed
child within the community. The special needs of the disturbed child are met by professional specialists
on call to each house. Attached to the therapeutic family home is a professional resource bank, on call 24-hours-a-day to the therapeutic
parents. The resource bank consists of psychiatrists, psychologists,
pediatricians, nurses, social workers, senior child care staff and other specialists as may be needed from time to time. Authority
rests with the therapeutic parents. The therapeutic family, as well as members of the resource bank, work with the child's
own family. In this respect, the therapeutic family is reminiscent
of the extended family, rather than the nuclear family, with the therapeutic family home acting as an umbrella to include the needs of the child's own family. The staff of the therapeutic
family home, their supervisors and the person to whom they are accountable ultimately,
are deliberately selected by us as non-professional people of sensitivity, humanness
and the capacity to encompass deviant behaviour without losing the perspective of what a child needs to develop and
adjust to the irrational world and its changing forms.
The pattern of revolution historically has been the
need after long bitter years of abuse and oppression to mobilize revolutionary forces along military lines and to grasp political
power by the force of arms. Indeed all significant major change, all substantial progress in the history of the world, has been along the lines of this model. I can
see the possibility of an alternative to breakdown and change if we can find a way of modifying the family unit to maintain the intimate relationship described by Otto Weininger
in his article,
Another way of looking at the intimate experience: two case histories1.
If the family can have as its ideal, not only the responsibility to civilize and
socialize the children in the family,
but, of equal importance, the responsibility to evaluate
and discard the old and replace it with alternative ideas, values and means—rather than it being as it is now, the last holdout against revolutionary change—it could become the forefront of revolutionary change and indeed the arena of such change. To achieve this, it is
necessary to find a means of stimulating communication between the generations
within the family unit and within the intimate relationship that exists between
the generations of the family, so that
the young can doubt, question and innovate without having to leave the family home or disavow the parents and what they stand
We are, in our family meetings in Browndale, demonstrating this very point. Family meetings are held with all staff and all children of a therapeutic family home once weekly or more often to facilitate communication, open responses, increase participation and enhance the flow of sharing and expressing between those already related and to increase the potential for relationship where intimacy has not yet occurred.
Many young people today have abandoned the nuclear family which they themselves
experienced in all its meagreness.
They have sought to solve the problem of
family by abandoning it and seeking other models—the corporate family, the communal family, the "free love" family, etc. All these efforts are, in truth, attempts to give to themselves
and their children that which can only be given by small heterogeneous groups such as the extended family of
our ancestors or models similar to the therapeutic family of Browndale. In fact, they have done everything but
rediscover the extended family. They are right to reject the nuclear
family. They are right to seek that which an extended family gives.
In most of the industrialized nations the last 100 years has
of the extended family model for the nuclear family model of the industrialized subdivision — small family homes where the working
mother and father
live to serve the commerce and
industry of the state or private enterprise, without regard to their relationship or nearness to relatives and extended family members.
Without the comfort and service of relatives, nuclear family members are
isolated and alone. Young people who are trying to find new ways of living are victims of the nuclear family that they denounce. As we explore the weaknesses of the
nuclear family in nature, it may be possible for us to rehabilitate and revolutionize the extended family of our ancestors to provide a better atmosphere for raising
our children, or we might imitate the therapeutic family model and provide the necessary extended services in modernized form to the members of the nuclear family.
The "I" and the "we"
The family is the social unit that civilizes
and socializes the individual into a harmony with the society around him, or — if that society is unjust or repressive — is the basis for generating the people who will produce radical change in the structure of society.
All good families produce children prepared
for revolutionary changes: People who will not tolerate injustice but, more important, people who will not tolerate an indifference to, or denial of, the needs and knowledge
of our time.
The Freudians think that the rebel must always be the product of an unresolved
rebel who produces major lasting change is the product of the family that expresses the contradiction central to the society and the system it is a part of. These contradictions become a part of a painful conflict
between the child and the family, between the child and one or both of the parents. This produces introspection in which the individual searches to find why
life is the way it is for him and in the process becomes aware of that which is in him, and that which is without. As a result,
he becomes freer to perceive and evaluate the corrupt, reactionary aspects of the
family and the society in which he lives and in the power structure that maintains the system.
The only way to truly achieve a family that will produce such
is to develop, within the life style of the family, patterns that generate intimacy and affiliation between the family members with an acceptance
and awareness of their differences and capacities. These things are taught to
children by the way in which the adults respond to the family members, and to
one another. The children in the therapeutic family must each be seen as unique and different and that uniqueness and difference
appreciated, applauded and given a place in the total configuration of the family. This is not a telling process.
You don't say the words once or twice and expect results. You may say the words
but, more importantly, you must live them day in and day out through all the crises as well as the normal times. Here the subtle power
of non-verbal communication plays a most significant role. As a therapeutic parent, you must and you will respond to each child. The
verbal and conscious re-.sponse will make up a small percentage of all you
communicate to the child and about the child. The rest will be the residuals of your interaction with the child: The role you give him in your family, the manner
in which you engage or disengage him, the manner in which you care for him, the manner in which you extend yourself or withhold yourself, the order of priority
in greeting, feeding, departing, that you give him, the things you tolerate or do not tolerate in others' responses to him.
In these and thousands of other ways you will give him his role and his meaning in the family unit. The best way to gain control of this
is to bring in an outside person for family talks at least once a week, perhaps more often, and to utilize the patterns established there
and to extend the frequency and scope of your communication as a family unit.
The difficulty, of course, in all of this is in recognizing the uniqueness of the two dimensions present—the special individual pre-ciousness of the person—separate from all others and the absolutely essential group to which he belongs—and that which must take priority over his individual uniqueness.
The "self" or the "I" is the centre of the universe. All things
and in terms of the self. This
is the nature of human consciousness. At birth we exist in a state of isolate loneliness, without knowledge and uncivilized, with our perceptions and our potentials imprisoned
within our body. From the moment of birth our consciousness begins to explore and discover the world within us and the world outside us through an orderly
process governed by, limited by and dependent on the functioning of our sensory modalities of communication.
As the self is fed and nourished and
as the self's needs are met and satisfied — stage by stage — the 'I" grows into a person and the intellect of the "I" begins to assess, evaluate, and extend the heritage of our culture
and civilization. The knowledge that existed before is extended through our experience and our thought and we become one with millions in a flowing, evolving
river of life.
Meaningfulness in life centres around the group to which we belong. For most of us,
it is our primary
family. For those children who come to us, it is the therapeutic family. The therapeutic family group, therefore, must transcend the individual. It must
find for the individual within the family unit, the social place and the essential functioning role that assures the individual of a vital
place in the life and meaning of the family unit in its moment-by-moment activities and
there to be a vital, meaningful role for the individual in the family group means that the family group, particularly the parents, recognize the needs of the individual and their changing nature
as that individual grows and matures. The family unit works to build the individual into a strong, independent self who lives fully within the needs and knowledge of our time
optimum functioning within the family indicates a permanent, lasting place in the family. There is, at the same time, an awareness
in all family members, that change will take the child away from the family into a life separate and unique from the family and will repeat, in developing a new
family, the heritage of the culture modified out of his awareness and experience
in the family and the community around him.
One of the most difficult aspects is allowing the child
in the therapeutic family to become free and independent. Again, it appears to be a contradiction: We want intimacy, total child care and involvement; at the same
time, we want the child to be free to emancipate himself from the family circle to independent living in a smooth transition without conflict or harsh separations
that block the flow of our social
and cultural heritage. The key is to let the child do what he is able to do as he wishes to try and prohibit him from doing
what he is unable to do even though
he wishes very much to try.
There is an absolute need for the child to experience, as a
his participation in the group, that
he can transcend the parents and particularly that he can improve on the family they created. That this gets expressed in the form
of criticism, should be understood by the therapeutic parents. (It would save a lot of wear and tear if it were understood by parents in the natural family!)
These things are easily spoken about but difficult to achieve in the therapeutic family, where the children coming new to the family may
be well along into their teens, with well-established life styles and strong resistance to change, and often with good intellectual and verbal skills and conceptualizations that
are contrary to the therapeutic family purpose. In such circumstances, don't despair. Call your therapeutic family counsellor,
bring it up in the family discussions head on and prepare yourself for the
ongoing "hit and run battle" that will almost surely ensue. A professional resource bank is a must at such times, both for your own mental health and as an aid
to helping the child through the crisis.
As the state assumes certain family
functions, we lose some of the flexibility and adaptability that the family
used to have in dealing with the many variations that are presented by different children growing up. This inflexibility of the state
frequently leads to alienation of the adolescent and once again emphasizes the urgency of reestablishing the role of the family in the civilizing, socializing, teaching
and training of the young.
Teaching a Relevant
A communication which passes from generation
to generation, that carries the essentials important to man in their evolutionary flow through the ages, is most vitally realized within the social unit of the family.
The time flow in the natural family is slow enough to obscure
for the most part from the family members. In the therapeutic family, time sequence is accelerated. Children and therapeutic parent come new to the family and will experience the full
of the special family communications within a very short span of time. In the therapeutic family programme, therefore, we have an opportunity to see the
of forces that exist between people of different generations as they feel the urge to preserve what is familiar and known and yet rhust acknowledge and
into their living the changing conditions relevant to their time.
Most of the children
who come to Browndale have lost touch with the major structures that communicate
the traditions. Life is a timeless sameness to them. Yet life is a limited time schedule. It runs for each of us from birth to death and much of the meaning of our life comes from our being aware of time sequences
and divisions that help us reckon its passing and live our life more or less in harmony with the natural functions
that are relevant to the different ages. We are not talking here about making children slaves to time schedules,
though we must recognize that children who have not been well cared for, or who have been inconsistently cared for, or not closely or intimately related to
parenting adults or a given life style, need initially very rigid time structures to help them predict events and
learn trust and life pattern for future
actions of parenting adults. Such children benefit from the security that comes from a consistent orderly existence that originates in experiencing essential life events such as waking, eating, sleeping,
etc. So the therapeutic parents organize an orderly life style that the children
can learn to trust and depend on which shows a respect for their basic childhood needs for food, sleep and physical
care. Then the important repetitive events become emphasized — celebrating
a child's birthday, for example, something that may be totally new to
him; celebrating a child's anniversary of admission, celebrating all the holidays and festive occasions that are part of the local, national and ethnic background
of the child.
In this way, time becomes divided and the divisions take
meanings and they can be experienced in comparison to one another and other children and to other adults and families in the community. Here there appears to be a contradiction in what we
The establishment and respect for the traditions of the child, developing a familiarity and an experience around the festive days and ritualistic patterns and, at the same time, working to encourage the child to
accept new change, new ideas, new values, new images of himself and others. But this is only an apparent contradiction. For each of us can only accept that which is
new and that which
is different, that which changes the older ideas and ways for radical new forms, if we are familiar with our traditions, our background, our belonging,
what we are a part of and have experienced
the significance and pleasures that that offers. Our history cannot be a fiction
— we must know the truth of our historical legacy.
Revolutionaries respect history and traditions and know the important part that these things play for the individual man and for man
Let's look now then to those aspects of
the family that are part of its traditional historical role and which deserve enriching and preserving and those functions which,
while they played important roles in
the past, are no longer relevant and should be preserved only in the family museum.
(1) The economic role of the family
This is one of the archaic, outmoded elements. The family has, until recent
times, been seen as the economic unit providing for the needs of its members. The style of life, the availability to the amenities of life, position within the community, security over time, were
all left to the family to provide.
We have long known that this is an untenable position. The family can be as important to its members and provide them with all they need from family living separate from its earning power
or ability to independently raise money. It is obvious, too, that we can
collectively provide everyone with
economic security. In the older societies of our ancestors life was organized
around the village. The village assumed
collective concern for each family and each individual in a manner totally unfamiliar in our western society.
(2) The educational
Here we must be careful. It is true that we can collectively provide superior personnel, structures, and apparatus
for the education of our young, but mostly this relates to technical knowledge, knowledge about things. Our best efforts
to teach values, humanness, civilizing
thoughts and deeds, social responsibility and care for one another, have failed. Our major cities and, in fact, whole nations
are caught up in irresponsible crime and delinquency with gross acts of violence against others by ever increasing numbers of people. It is my belief that the family is still best able to teach the young social
and human values and that a greater part of our educational expenditures
should go toward finding ways of including the family in the educational process — not in some meaningless,
irrelevant, parent-teacher association or home and school group, but in the centre of the educational process in direct contact with students. Along with this, there is a great need to eliminate
professionalism in the teacher and this
can be part of the same process.
Central to all teaching would be a prime focus on the emotional and social
of the student. I am not talking here about some irresponsible, frivolous "democratic" educational process. Education is always coersive, but the coersion of intimate relationship
and love produces
emotionally and socially well-balanced individuals and that is mostly lacking in our educational system in the west.
Some revolutionary governments have felt that the only hope was for the
the school, to educate the child to new values and new ways. This is an extremely dangerous practice, since it tends to emotionally isolate the child and leave him without primary
that deal with the large area of feelings that each child has as he gains awareness and insight to himself and the world around him and as he undergoes the exhilarating, yet sometimes
experience of gaining knowledge.
Central to involving the family in the educational process for the children,
is the need
to help all families learn to communicate honestly; not just their intellectual thoughts and ideas, but their emotional responses and their attitudes about one another,
about the social order around them, about the history and traditions that are a part of their background. It may be that
are impossible without the use of force to acquire power, to implement them. But there is still time for us to try.
(3) Teaching and training in a relevant morality
Here the state and the family must become partners and this is most difficult
for them to do without revolutionary change by force of arms because the morality of most existing states is undesirable. Yet the state has the power to impose immorality in the guise
Because this is true now requires that we assess the potential for the family to resist the imposition of immorality in the guise of morality and its ability to counter with a collective morality that which unites the individual in the family
and the family as a unit against the corrupt state. Opposition to corruption always begins with the individual. It may spring up in many places by many individuals if the corruption is great enough,
or the opposition
may develop by the courageous efforts of one or more who speak out about it. The history of the great revolutionary leaders of the last 100
years shows this to be true.
In all instances revolutionary movements
were forced to
resort to arms to win their cause, with two exceptions; Karelia State in
India and Chile. In the case of Karelia State, they were unsuccessful
because the central government overrode the democratic decision of the majority using its central power over a member state. In Chile,
it is still too soon to know, but having gotten power by the vote, we may well expect that it may have to defend that power by the gun.
Morality is learned and there seems to be within man a potential for fulfillment
in achieving it, individual by individual, and group by group. It can only really be measured in terms of a person's thought and conduct, relevant to others around him at a given time,
in the light of what his life means to him at that moment. This means that the morality of the masses can change quickly and drastically
and it means also, I think, that the family can be an instrument of change in morality. This is a good place for us in North America to start.